He asks me if I have anything to talk about, as if he doesn’t know that I have 3 tumblr pages that I write on everyday.
So of course I do when I say I don’t than that’s when its ok not to think I do. Has he asked me about what happened after the pt who lost her 6 weeks old baby? Or about my work? Or what I wanted that night?
So yeah you come in ask that question because you obviously don’t pay attention or its not important enough to be remembered.
I said I wouldn’t go out anymore and I’m still sticking to that, he asked if there was something I wanted to do, so I chose Addicted. There have been 5 movies I’ve really wanted to see and still haven’t so I didn’t want to add this movie to the list so I asked to go. It didn’t end the way the past couple of movie dates did. This talk was important but yet still calm. I made sure of that, I wasn’t furious but I wasn’t happy but I kept calm for him. Now that I’m on this train, out of site I do want to scream from frustration but for different reasons. I put myself in a bad position , I’ve been put on probation at school for having a 1.19 gpa, I made arrangements & promises to meet deadlines so that I can pass these 2 classes. On sunday when we spoke, Tuesday was my original day to want to go see this movie because I haven’t spoke with my professors yet and I knew my appointments to do so were Monday but he said no because of the games, Wednesday he said no because of the road test, now I was gonna ask why can’t we still go but I figured he didn’t want to be out late cuz of work the next day but then remembered he went and got drunk on a Thursday night so it had to be because of the games. Thursday was the show with my sister so Friday was our day.
When he asked me to go today, I knew on Sunday we picked Friday to go, so that was why I promised both my professors I’ll have my work submitted on Wednesday. But he had to have been asking because there was something else that he wanted to do, honestly my first thought was he wanted to go to long island after work, 2nd if it wasn’t there he wanted to live stream, 3rd it’s just something else. Now he’s telling me it’s the 3rd thought and well ok but either way I knew it was something so I made that sacrifice so he can have what he wants. He has admitted as of recently there will be things I can do and have done that he simply can not and tonight was a perfect example. I made a sacrifice for him to make him happy despite the outcome it will cause me.
I’ve accepted that as long as Kenneth and I know each other we will never break even. There will always be times when 1 does more than the other and I think it’s very clear who that is and who will always win.
But now that has me thinking about another question…..
I have a issue were as if I feel attacked, I shut down and don’t want to be around ppl. My interpretation of something told to me is basically the same thing said but in my choice of words. I don’t understand why when I say something that has the same overall meaning as what u said I’m still completely wrong. From the beginning I said things are always done kenneth’s way, how he wants. If he doesn’t like the description I gave for his reason for having trouble, the fact still remains that we are doing things his way and he’s getting what he wants. Him being conditioned to thinking about me before he does something is not my fault, and I don’t think something is particularly wrong with it, because when u have someone who is involved in your life with a strong influence to you, that will happen even if you have problems with the person or not. What u do will be questioned at some point if u truly care about how the person feel. Do I think it’s a good thing for everything like he claims, no but I can’t control what he thinks. And it obviously doesn’t matter much because he still does things he know I won’t like. So I obviously don’t have much control and I don’t think I have any because if I did, I would be better by now. He wanted what he wanted so bad so fine he got it, now the part that doesn’t make sense to me is, since he has the freedom to fuck who he wants with no limitations is it still my fault if he worries about how I’ll feel about it. Because from what I got he felt controlled by not being able to do what he wanted even though he was allowed to do what he wanted, with the “restrictions” of no sex with ONLY ONE PERSON or sexual relationship with 1 person. But somehow this is more about the mind factor of feeling controlled by not being able to do 1 thing but yet it’s NOT about the ability of that 1 thing. So I’m at fault for what he thinks not for what he couldn’t do because it wasn’t about what he cant do its how he felt about it. That’s probably wrong too since I’m not even smart enough to understand what’s being said to me. Right or wrong it still balls down to fucking with the chick. I let it go because after 1 other talk he basically said it’s not being a hoe if you have sex with ppl you have no intentions of being with. It only qualifies for being a hoe if you’re sleeping with multiple ppl within the same time frame. The number of people have no factor neither does the relationship between the two. This was something that I was taught to be wrong BUT if no “harm” is being caused than its alright to do. Harm does not include other ppl outside of the 2 feelings. I believe harm means physical damage mainly, so it’s obvious the 2 parties involved are ok with no emotional damage so meaningless sex between friends is ok. Now with that you can question why I have sex with him and that’s because there is a relationship between us along with history and from my point of view meaning behind our relationship with feelings involved beyond just thinking he’s a nice person to chill with. But I mainly feel the descriptive background of each other plays a huge factor. But like I was saying it’s fine to have sex with ppl AS long as you plan to keep them in your life so I realized how happy sex made me and Justin and I have been friends for 8 years and he has never had a problem having sex with me. Now I know he doesn’t know about my illness because the last time we had sex I didn’t have it but I also learned you can be friends with someone and they don’t have a clue about what’s going on in your personal life. They don’t have to know any real details of anything about you, just general information and you can still be really good friends, I did think that was apart of the description of an associate but it can also be close friends too. So…. Kenneth does things that hurt me a lot but instead of getting high I can just have sex AND the great part about that I can’t get pregnant so even 3/4 times a day won’t do any harm. And of course Justin doesn’t feel morally wrong about having sex with me so with kenneth’s plan it looks like a win/win for the both of us. So he can now “freely continue” his relationships even though I might still be at fault for his thoughts I guess he can go fuck the thoughts away just like I’ll be fucking my pain away.
—Paris, Texas (1984)
That day I went back to see Kenneth to talk was exhausting all within itself. After I heard the 3 second voice mail to call him and saw the 4 missed calls all he wanted was the answer to his question about why his family didn’t believe him. After the talk, I got so angry all I wanted to do was fight, I wanted to bring him all the pain I was feeling, I wanted to see him hurt, which means something because I never want to see him hurt, never want to see him cry but I did that day. When he took my money from me it really pissed me off because, how dear u leave me like that and then try to have a say in what helps me.
He kept saying this was about him getting better so he can help but I see it as he’s in a rush to fix his temporary situation and make my permanent situation worst. He said he doesn’t think he caused my problems just brought it out but the fact of the matter is, he is still to blame for the matters at hand and the state that I’m in. And I said to him before that I do not think he can cure me of anything but what I wanted was help with getting to a place tht I can handle on my own again. Never thought with what we were trying I was gonna wake up 1 day and be normal. But I want to be able to call/text someone and not feel like my heart is being squeeze because I’m now freaking out because they didn’t answer, I want to be able to send a text and not be ready to choke the person for not answering. I want to be able to hear something that I may not like and not go into a hiding place. I want to wake up and believe that I deserve to make it through the day. I want to wake up and not automatically want to hide my face even tho no one is around because I feel like I’m not good enough to be seen. I want to feel like in general I’m good enough, like I’m worth something. Now I know he can’t do some of those things but words mean things but he can help.
The anger and rage set in. I hate him I hate everything every single thing about him. After what I went through this morning, I sat there and realized this nigga has literally fucked up my entire life and does he think I’m just gonna let that go. Let him get away with everything he did to me. I swear every sec that past I thought of different things I could do to him. Then after that nonsense at comic con and I’m standing outside realizing I can’t close my sweater so that’s why I’m still cold I wanted to fuck him up even more then seeing the tweet that he saw the fucking movie that I wanted to see again. I goddam lost it, I called his mother and she wanted to know why I wasn’t around anymore and I told her. Because ur son told me to go away because he wanna focus on him and his relationships and she said she had no clue about any of that because he don’t talk to her and of course not but I figured he tell my mother and my sister my business so it’s perfectly fine if his mother knows about his. Idc if revenge doesn’t solve anything, but for me it fa damn sure helps me get out what I feel and I want to literally rip his heart out and set it on fire. And I still didn’t say what I really wanted to, i only told her about the girls. Oh god like I’m on this train and it’s getting closer to his house and I feel myself wanting to destroy everything on site. I’m to the point, I don’t see who he was I only see what he did.
The most embarrassing moment of my entire life happened today. As usual I listen to my music to drown out my thoughts but this time my thoughts overpowered me, in the worst way.
This song came on and I thought about him, instantly regretting everything that happened, regretting the outcome. I thought of everything possible in a max of maybe 10 seconds.
What he’s doing
How he’s doing
What has he done
Does he miss me
Does he want to speak to me
Does he want to fix this
Then I heard like a loud NO and within seconds I couldn’t breathe, I was so scared, there was that sharp pain in my chest again, my ears started ringing. I didn’t know what was going on. I remember I flinched & grabbed my ear. I thought I screamed but I didn’t hear it. Then next thing I know 2 women are saying my name Ms. Jarrett can u hear me and it didn’t confuse me because I was wearing my id so obviously that’s how they knew my name. But I was trying to tell them yeah I just can’t breathe but I couldn’t get it out. I look up and everyone is looking at me and saying something but I couldn’t make it all out. Then I started freaking out because there was too much attention on me. It’s like the entire train was watching my every move. I closed my eyes and next thing I know the train stopped and I’m on the platform and EVERYONE is looking at me with evil eyes because I made hundreds of ppl late for work/school. Which I don’t understand why they need to stop the train if the person isn’t on it anymore. But when ems finally came they asked where I wanted to go so I told them to take my to work. I texted Phil to clock me in & Bre arrived me as a workers comp. So it seemed like I was already at work when the panic attack happened. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I know I miss him but shit! That was a bit much.
"I am dedicated to doing all i can for lisa. One thing i always fear is something bad happening. I fight so hard just to give her moments of happiness but they alway seem to be taken away by some circumstance or the memory of something else. Knowing that i am the one who snatched all her happiness away kills me and now all i do is scavenge for atleast just moments of happiness to enjoy so she can atleast forget about thing. Forget about how i tore her down, ruined her life. Atleast temporarily. That why i like when she sleeps, its why i like when she eats. Every single action is like recovering from everything i took way so when i see an action that symbolized regularity of how things were b4 i destroyed it makes me happy even want to cry. Every time she gets mad at me for anything the only translation i see is please help me for what you did to me. It really hurts and i cry while typing this. Alot of the time i dont know what to do. I stray from the path i was on years ago. strayed from my principles, beliefs, religion and god and look what i did. Now i know god is there for me and i continue to struggle with becoming a better believer and christian but i also believe he has said you made this mess and even though i will never leave you, you still have to deal with the things you have done. I have many fears about the future of me and lisa’s relationship. Just as it is not gods wish that any of his people perish it is not my will that me and lisas friendship does either. I think ive been doing much better in currently trying to restore and maintain our relationship. I think im a better and wiser human, friend and man in general. I still at times believe im a monster and could never look at myself as a “good” person again tho. The things i do are because i want to be the best friend i can and help rebuild what i unintentionally so so severely destroyed "
So I decided to finally look at the page he had for me, thought it would help this process for me. Its amazing how back then before “she” left he was so willing to do whatever it took to help me. After everything I’ve encountered for years, things Ive dealt with and things Im still dealing with. It may have changed how I felt towards him but never stopped my fight to fix “us” . I wonder if he still feels that way about our daughter, that he’s the reason she died. If his heart is as cold as he says he probably don’t, or it’s probably just that way towards me like he said so Jamia is still innocent in this. Even down to the last post, idk when he wrote that but it was obviously after the summer but even that post is technically a lie. He didn’t really feel that way. I’m not worth giving up on small things and even tho he knew my struggle he was still too selfish
" Your struggle is dark, depressing and painful. I know this so why am I still unable to commit and follow through with helping to restore what i helped destroy.”
He may not have known what it was exactly like meaning felt the pain, but he knew how I suffered. Our last conversation, it wasn’t that I was really expecting more from him to say, I was mainly hurt that, that was all he had to say. After EVERYTHING all the years, “Goodnight, I love you” was all he could say and thats why I was upset because it hurt, guess you can say i was expecting more but it was because I believed when he made it seem like I was worth more. *sigh* I read the page now because he’s probably gonna delete it or most likely never post again, but either way I wanted to help my understanding of all this. After so many fake endings, we’re finally over.