there’s a wall im trying to break through and it doesn’t seem to want to move
Again going to this meeting and I’m not in the best mood about it, I could definitely go without it. But I’m gonna go & get it over with, feels like I’m riding to my death sentence 😳 speaking of, I have a video planned that I want played at my funeral, pretty much a montage of my years. When I first started it I got sad only because I saw the changes within myself. How I went from real happiness to barely faking it. I don’t want to think about the situation with Kenneth & the feelings thing because in the end, I’m offended by it & have my mental note not to expect a real friendship from this. He might as well live in another state, because that’s pretty much how it’s going to seem. I know I won’t ask to go over there, he won’t ask to come here and we definitely wouldn’t be going any place so that’s why I said he’s just the therapist. I told him don’t ask me to do anything either because you can’t tell me I only asked because I thought you would enjoy it but u know good & well u didn’t want me there, so u think I’m going to go somewhere with u after that & not wonder if I’m the right person or not. Any real chances of building a relationship back is dead now and that’s why I’m offended, you can’t tell me I’m not wanted but MAYBE down the line I could be 😒.
These issues and problems have destroyed a lot, me being the main 1. I can always tell when the anxiety is really high because I stutter really bad & the chest pains, either I’m going to have an panic attack or a break down. I have ticks that I’ve been trying to monitor the meanings, for example my eye: when I blink 1 eye multiple times, I’m getting nervous or scared. The ear pulling is anxiety along with stuttering. I don’t have 1 for the bipolar switches & I think that’s the point of the disorder, you never know when it’s going to happen. I looked up how families deal with ppl who have these diseases and disorders and a lot of ppl said they felt alone because their family and friends forget sometimes & it causes problems or they use it to treat them like their disabled and it causes problems. There were some who are able to live normal lives because they have ppl who understand but nobody is the same. Different problems for different reasons. I don’t know anyone with multiple disorders yet but I know there’s someone out there. An important factor those ppl said was the medication because it helped control the disorder and I know it’s so bad for me because I don’t have any. Have a family who doesn’t understand & no meds.
I feel like giving up because everything I try fails. Nothing good in my life stays with me.
I really want this lady to stop staring at me. Idk if it’s my hair, the exhausted look on my face or if she sees the black cloud hovering over me, either way she is legit hawk eye staring at me.
So uncomfortable. Not helping!
I know when you’re not honest🍷#jealous
I know what time I was supposed to be there but I was in no rush to leave the house. I’m in no rush to hear u basically have no job. And u know what pisses me off about it, everyone continuously telling me everything was ok now because of the job, that I had to reason to be sad anymore. Yall still saying the same shit?
We tried the talking thing. And I guess it was my fault it failed. I was feeling every emotion that day, within that call I was ok, angry, sad, weak, regretful *sigh * he made things difficult for me more than what they were. You can’t tell me u hate doing what helped me then say fine we can use it as if it won’t be in my head that I’m forcing something else on him. I didn’t want to always use tumblr but until I was able to honestly say what I needed to without fear, that’s what I used and he ruined that for me. Then when I said I’m sorry I don’t speak like ur other bitches I meant it because when he talk about them it’s always how much of a relief they are for him that he really meant it when he said he needed them because I stress him out so much those girls are what keep him alive, that’s their so great and amazing to him. And then me, all I hear is how negative I am, how stressful I am, how I do this wrong or that wrong and now how much time he wants away from me. As if who I am just isn’t good enough anymore. And he can’t deny it but he’s said it in many ways but with different words. Kenneth makes me feel like complete shit. That night we had was different and for the first time in a long time, I felt like a person. I was ok with my body and didn’t feel so ashamed of myself as usual. And I know the sex itself really doesn’t mean anything its just sex but afterwards is what meant something to me. I don’t think this “project” is going to work. He’s gonna get tired again and I know exactly what will happen if he does.
The reason he decided to wait that long to say something to me idk but I already said I hate when he does that small talk crap after u ignored me all day and I’m dealing with some shit. No I don’t wanna talk about my day, my day was shitty & I don’t want to tell u about it because ur just going to make me out to be more negative. I thought I was going to be able to talk to someone about how my life was a about to shatter all over again and here he is calling to say hey I’m here for u but I gotta go right now. When I first told him in the first text, if he was just on the computer why couldn’t he call then and talk for a bit. Instead of waiting 10 minutes to respond then 10 to say I’m here 😒
I’m completely worthless, no one can say how great I am, what I’m good at, anything good about me because I’m nothing. I’m no one, with nothing to show for myself but failure.
P!nk - Don’t Let Me Get Me
Pink has come so far.. But this is still one of my favs from her… I loved this time in music… Everyone was being THEM! What I love about pink tho is she has always been herself.. Besides the first rnb album.. Lol.. But besides that she has always been pink! And I love that about her. If your ever feeling like shit.. Not really feeling yourself to much.. Bump this…lol got me through a lot her misunderstood album did..
—2 am thoughts (via froze-by-desire)
I’ve never seen a thing that needed to be transparent more than this.