no need to ask i just wont talk to you at all
I miss you princess!
Mommy’s graduation ceremony was this weekend and all my friends had their daughters there and it really made me miss you. But although things kept happening I still felt very proud of myself. I’d be lying if I said I dont have doubts about this degree. Some things seem easy some are so hard. I’ve been ready to quit but I know I’d never let it go and be so disappointed in myself.
It’s raining right now and sometimes i wonder if you would’ve been scared of thunder too. I know it never happened but I pretend somebody is there holding me to help me feel better just like i’d do with you. Give you the kisses and hug you and tell you mommy is right here and sing to you.
I miss you princess!
smfh this is why i dnt like having hand me dwn things. i go to sign into skype on the tablet and its still in his so what pops up i request from mzbarbados -___- like wtf i dont wanna see this shit
Leading up to graduation I was feeling really stressed and confused. Regretting a lot too and the morning of graduation wasn’t exactly what I needed to hear either but the day went on. Things were getting worst by the hour but when I finally got with the girls from school I was feeling a lot better. I realized they dont know the real deal of things so when im around them I forget about it for the moment. I like tht but its not like i see them as often as id like to. Then today when I woke up I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw were those beautiful long stem red roses…i only woke up because i realized i was smelling the freshness of the flowers. It made me feel so good, I was ready to go out and eat and laugh with my fam just continue tht good feeling. Ill admit i was getting a little pissed off because I hate being late for things and didn’t want to have ppl waiting on me. I slightly suspected they were gonna do something but I literally thought it was my sis made me a cake thats y we had to go there 1st but surprise surprise my sister got them all together to throw me a mini party. I LOOOVVEEDD ITT!!! felt so bad tht my sis got sick but I did NOT expect all of tht. My fav foods the decorations, my BLUE ROSES omg I felt so loved it felt so good. Im actually getting teary eyed because tht feeling was …….. Idk the word.
And this is where it starts to turn….
I wanted my pics to be posted from his page because i was so proud of myself i wanted everyone 2 see but then the comments about his smile…..makes me feel so guilty. he cant show happiness because he’s not happy and its my fault. He asked me about going to a concert and my 1st thought was when i asked him to that concert earlier this month he offered to pay for me to go by myself. but I realized i cnt compare myself because these are girls he wants and want to do things with so i dont compare to them. So although we talked about 1 of the promises he didnt keep, i cnt keep him from what he wants. so i told him to just go and enjoy himself and ill just have to deal. Figured it would be best if i avoided him around tht time because since it was brought up ive thought about what could happen and I know as it gets closer ill get angry so i have to avoid starting fights with him.
Going to my sis house I saw Kendall from across the street and I wanted to stay on the other side and pretend I never saw him but then we turned back to get an umbrella then crossed to his side (sigh) my heart dropped a bit cuz i heard the last set of words he said to me. he told me to go my way and he’ll do the same like we never met. I waved to him but he turned his head …like he didnt see me, but i know he did but we were looking directly at each other as i was coming across the street expect for the sec i looked dwn to push the courage to say hi. When i looked up he was still looking so i just went for it to see if he’ll wave back. I mouthed hi too and he turned his head away…like he didnt know who i was. Kenneth thought i was getting mad from the rain but I wanted to get wet so he couldnt tell the rain from the tears. because i wanted to cry. I was mad but it wasnt about the rain.
I texted him while at the house after i posted on fb my fam surprised me but when he took a while to answer i checked fb …..and he deleted me. I was still there this morning. After he saw me, he really deleted me. I smiled to hide it and just went to twitter but then I saw the ring porn page looking at those beautiful rings reminded me …..i forced someone to wear a promise ring and the promise was to take it off when u found “the one”….i just may wear mine forever. I almost stopped him from enjoying himself with another chick. It made me miss him it made me realize im so messed up and broken and damaged. So when my cousin called me conceited I said no i just love myself because nobody will love you better then u. i said it cuz i was hurting but i was lying i dont love who i am right now, i take the pics to try to find the woman i was.
He never texted back so when i got home i tried to distract myself with overdue hw but it didnt work. I laid on my side stared at my roses and through the tears i prayed to get the wonderful feeling back, the feeling i got when i walked through that door or when i walked across that stage.
I may never feel like somebody wants me again, maybe never have somebody to want to show me off to express how he feels about me, But i cnt force someone to do those things and i cant take it away from them just cuz im hurting
Well this works out for me cause 1 cant have kids so 2 although I planned to be in their lives actively meaning know what’s going on with my kids and protect them but for their sake they won’t ever exist.
So technically doesn’t that make me a great mom by default???!?!
Awake 2 hours early with shit on my mind
Happy graduation to me ……..
Realized I wont see the fireworks at all this summer, so ive been watching videos of the new years special in England
i will be this way forever